


Memories Lost And Found

by ellia



Category: Cal Leandros - Thurman
Genre: Angst, Hurt/Comfort, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-12-21
Updated: 2009-12-21
Packaged: 2017-10-04 21:34:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,348
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/34353
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ellia/pseuds/ellia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A simple job goes wrong, leaving Niko trapped in his past - helping him causes Cal to remember some precious memories that he'd lost.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Memories Lost And Found

**Author's Note:**

  * For [tommygirl](https://archiveofourown.org/users/tommygirl/gifts).



> Happy Holidays, I was thrilled when i saw your prompt as i love these books. I hope this comes close to what you were looking for.

Squatting in the shadows of the abandoned factory, I can't quite believe we're doing this. We're getting ready to scare off a bunch of teenagers, and okay they're teenagers with bad dress sense, a few odd powers and some books that really don't belong in their hands, but the whole thing just seemss a little ridiculous.

   
   


We've faced down monsters that'd make these children run screaming in fear, and this whole situation just feels like overkill. But it's a favour for Robin, and lets face it we owe the guy, and he's pretty pissed that they're using the building next to his to play their magic games.

   
   


I can see Niko crouching in the other corner, silent and still, he's loaded down with his usual weapons, and I want to laugh at him for taking this so seriously. Not that I'll say that to his face, 'cos I really don't want to spend the next few days listening to a non-stop lecture about safety and always being prepared.

   
   


Even my Auphe enhanced eyes can't spot the others, but I know that they're here, Robin, Nushi and Ishiah insisted on coming with us, seeing as it was their business that was suffering from all the tricks these kids were playing.

   
   


As far as we can tell they haven't hurt anyone, but the feel of the magic is keeping people away from the bar, and Robin wants them stopped. It feels like overkill, all five of us against these kids, we're just supposed to scare them off, and take the books away from them, Robin seems to think that at least one of the books is ancient enough to be dangerous in the wrong hands.

   
   


But right now I'm having a hard time taking this seriously, they're sitting around chanting, and look about as dangerous as a box of kittens. There are better things we could be doing with our time, and though I've got my usual knife with me, because Niko would kill me himself if I ever left the apartment unarmed, I've no intention of actually using it. I figure one good glare from Niko, and this lot will run screaming for their Mommies.

   
   


The girl leading the group is a red head, her copper curls drawing my eye as they glisten in the half-light of the candles. For a second I'm lost in the memories of George, the regrets I try my best to ignore. I shake it off as quickly as I can, shoving the pain down deep the way I always do, just one more lesson I'd learned from my brother.

   
   


Six months have passed since the night I went to tell her goodbye, and found that she'd already known. Long nights when I've wondered if I made the right decision, Delilah and I never really managed to get going, in the end I couldn't give her what she wanted, so like everyone else in our lives she'd drifted away. Promise lasted longer than most, but I think that she's given up on the idea of Niko loving her the way she deserves.

   
   


The plain truth is that nobody will ever be more important to us than each other, and as long as we know the Auphe are still out there, we can never afford to let down our guard enough to let someone in. Watching the hope die in Promise's eyes left me feeling guiltier than usual, because my damned heritage was screwing up my brother's life yet again. But the guilt's an old and familiar friend, and I've grown used to it over the years, besides, I know there's nothing I could say or do to make Niko walk away. Robin's the only one who's ever fought to stick around, and a part of me wonders how many more ways we can get him hurt, before he decides that we're just too much trouble, even for a Puck.

   
   


I've lost track of things, and I realise it's almost time to go, Niko's staring in my direction, and I know he's going to give me hell for not concentrating properly. He'd prepared for this like we were going up against something more deadly than a group of lonely kids, he's always believed in preparing for the worst. And, much as I bitch about it, I know that his over-protective paranoia has saved my ass more times than I care to count.

   
   


Thanks to his work I know there's only two doors out of the warehouse, and that the only other escape route is a small window up above the walkways. Ishiah's covering the window, and while Nushia blocks off the rear door the rest of us are going to confront our wannabe Gandalfs and chase them out the front, once we've gotten the grimoire away from them.

   
   


When we hear the chimes of the nearby church strike the hour we move, walking out of the shadows and heading straight for the kids. For five long seconds nothing happens, they just freeze and stare at us, obviously shocked as all hell about their sanctuary being invaded. Then one of them spots the sword in Robin's hand and all hell breaks loose.

   
   


One girl starts screaming and some of the others soon join her, they're running around, desperate to get away from us. We let them go if they're heading for the door, none of us wants a fight, so we just keep heading for the girl with the book. One boy thinks he some kind of hero, pulls a small flick knife from his pocket and tries to get in Niko's way.

   
   


The knife my brother pulls out of his own coat is three times the size, and all he has to do is brandish it in the kid's direction to make him turn tail and run. There's a look of disgust on Niko's face and I know I'm going to get weeks of fun out of teasing him about being able to vanquish a teenager with a single glare.

   
   


I'm distracted again, and when I turn back to the girl in charge I see she's got the grimoire open on her lap, and a crystal in her hand. She's not running scared like the others, and I can see her lips move as she reads aloud from the book. I can only catch the odd word over all the noise, but when I glance in Robin's direction I see he's desperately trying to push through the crowd to get to her. There's a look on his face that makes me think that whatever she's doing isn't going to be good for us.

   
   


She's not reading any more, she's staring right at me, crystal held out in front of her as she shouts out the final few words of whatever she's been working on. I still can't hear it all, though it sounds to me like the words are latin, but all I get are fragments; _memoria…malus…rursus…aestes._

   
   


As she speaks the last word the crystal in her hand begins to glow, and I start to run, but I already know I'm not going to reach her in time. Bright light flashes out from the crystal, heading straight for me, but it doesn't connect. Because suddenly Niko is there, his body shielding mine, protecting me like he always does. As the beam hits him his body seems to seize up; the knife dropping from his fingers and clattering against the stone floor, as his limbs go limp and he falls to the ground.

   
   


He kneels there staring blankly into space, seemingly unaware of his surroundings. His fingers are scrabbling against the floor, like he's trying to dig his way into the ground. I try to wrap my arm around him, to pull him to his feet, but he flinches away when I touch his back.

   
   


I try taking his hand, but he just flinches again, and pulls it free of my grip, he's looking right at me, but somehow I know that he's not seeing me at all. His hair had started to come loose from its braid during the fight, and I can only stand and watch as his hands fly up, and he starts freeing the rest. Within seconds his hair's hanging loose around his shoulders, making him look years younger, like the carefree kid he never got to be.

   
   


I don't know what to do, have no idea what's happening, but his eerie silence is starting to terrify me. I feel Ishiah and Nushia come close, but I can't tear my eyes away from my brother even for a second. An arm wraps around my shoulders, and I know that Ishiah's trying to comfort me, but it doesn't work.

   
   


Niko's gone back to scratching at the flour, he's hurting his hands, but I've no clue how to stop him. When he stops it's a relief, but only for a second, because there's such a look of despair on his face that it breaks my heart. He throws back his head and just screams into the night howling like a wounded animal.

   
   


The sound of my name being screamed like that is enough to shock me into action, and I spin around looking for the girl that did this to my brother. She's held firm in Robin's arms, and I can see her start to tremble as I stride towards them.

   
   


I've no idea how scary I must seem to her, but from the expression on Robin's face I must look pretty bad. All I can feel is the pain and anger, and before I even know what I'm doing I start pulling power to me and weaving a gate. I've no idea what I'm going to do with it, threaten her, or send her away as punishment for hurting what's mine.

   
   


All that power that I'd promised Niko I wouldn't use is just here waiting for me, and I wrap myself up in its dark temptation, wanting nothing more than to make her suffer. In this moment I'm Caliban Leandros every bit the monster my mother named me, the one person who could make me stop is lying broken because of her, and all I can think of is revenge.

   
   


"Cal," I hear Robin speak my name, but it doesn't stop me, I can see the edges of the gate start to form behind them and I keep weaving. "Dammit Cal, Niko wouldn't want you to do this." None of the usual teasing banter from our Puck, just quiet desperation, and I turn to look at him, drawn by the pain in his voice.

   
   


The girl's obviously terrified, and I can see her trying to pull free, but Robin's holding on too tight. I know he's right, Niko wouldn't want me to hurt her, but I'm not sure I have the strength to stop myself without him.

   
   


"Tell us what you did." Robin turns the girl away from me, making her focus only on him.

   
   


She's silent for a moment, then says, "I…we didn't want to hurt anyone…"

   
   


The sound I make can only be described as a growl, and I want to reach out and wrap my hands around her neck. She didn't want to hurt anyone, how the fuck can she say that after what happened to Niko.

   
   


"You scared us, we didn't know who you were or what you wanted." She's talking to Robin, doing her best to ignore my looming presence.

   
   


"We were trying to stop you doing something stupid, like using a spell you can't control." There's real anger in Robin's voice, and I realise he's almost as close to the edge as me; both of us loving Niko far too much to be sensible right now. "What did you do?"

   
   


She seems to realise that she's not going to be getting any sympathy from Robin, and swallows hard before starting to speak again. "I just wanted to distract you, to give us time to get away, the book said it would bring up a memory, a bad one, and I thought we'd have a chance to run while you were stuck in it."

   
   


A bad memory, well hell, Niko and I both have a lot of them to choose from, she probably couldn't have done more damage if she'd thought about it for a month. Now I just have to figure out exactly what horror my brother is re-living.

   
   


There's something niggling at the edge of my mind, an image of Niko kneeling on the ground, injuries to his back and hands, a memory of my own fighting its way to the surface. And suddenly I just know, and I feel the bile rising in my throat as I begin to understand what Niko's going through, as I picture the memory he's caught in.

   
   


Niko's not in this warehouse, he's kneeling in a dark field while the trailer we'd called home burns to the ground behind him. He's screaming into the dark as our mother's body rots on the earth and he has to watch, helpless and terrified, as the Auphe steal me away.

   
   


I stagger to the wall, leaning my weight against it as the nausea rolls through me, bending double as I lose what little food I've eaten today. When I look up, Robin's staring at me, and I know he's dying to ask what I've figured out. And on another night I might even tell him, but not now, not in front of some stranger.

   
   


He seems to understand and turns back to the girl, asking, "Can you break the spell?"

   
   


She stares at me, apparently my reaction has made me somewhat less terrifying, and it's a little shocking to realise that most of my anger has gone, along with the gate I'd started to weave. "It's just a memory, the spell ends when it runs its course, that shouldn't take too long."

   
   


And just like that I feel the anger come crashing back, so much rage at this child who doesn't seem to understand what she's done. Hell this is probably the worst memory she'll ever have; she's no comprehension of the nightmares she could have unleashed. For just a second I wonder what would have happened if Niko hadn't taken the spell for me, would I have been trapped in the same time. Finally forced to face the memories of the long months I was lost. "Two days, this _memory_ lasts two days, and I'm damned if he's going to suffer like that, so you'd better fix this now."

   
   


I have to tell myself over and over that I can't kill her, or she won't be able to fix what she's done. Robin's got her well in hand, so I force myself away from them and go back to my brother. He's stopped screaming my name, but he's still lost inside his mind. He's always so confident, so strong, and seeing him like this, broken and scared is just so very wrong. I know that when he comes back to himself he'll be mortified that we all saw him like this. I want to hide him away from prying eyes, protect him like he always protects me. But I can't, not until the spell is broken and he's free of the memories.

   
   


There's no sign of Nushia, but Ishiah's still there, watching Niko with worried eyes. "Cal?" I can't give him the answers he wants, don't trust myself to speak, so I just kneel beside my brother, and wait for this to be over. Two days for Niko, two years for me, and this is still the one thing that torments him more than any other. I know he's never spoken about it, never told me how he felt, kneeling in that field waiting for me to come home. And I realise that maybe it's time I forced that conversation. When I get him home he's going to talk to me about this, no matter how much he doesn't want to.

   
   


I can hear Robin and the girl whispering together, and I just hold onto Niko's hand, praying that this doesn't take much longer. He's keening softly, the sound so quiet I almost miss it at first, his eyes fixed on the spot where the gateway had closed all those years ago. He's just sitting, staring into darkness, waiting for me to come back to him.

   
   


I hear a bang behind me, and when I turn my head I see Robin smashing the crystal the girl had been holding earlier. As it breaks it gives off one last burst of light, and as my eyes begin to readjust to the dark, I feel Niko's hand start to tighten around mine.

   
   


"Cal," his voice is low and soft, but it's the best thing I've ever heard. "You're back, really here."

   
   


I realise he's still partially caught up in the memory, as his other hand comes up and starts to trace the lines of my face. He'd done that the first time, touched me and held me, like he hadn't believed I was really there unless he could actually feel it.

   
   


His movements are still sluggish, and his eyes are unfocused, but I can see him getting better by the second. Gathering him into my arms, I reach for the power once again. I know he'll be pissed at me for using it, but right now I really don't care. I need to bleed off the excess energy, and I need to get us both some place private, and weaving a gateway kills two birds with one stone.

   
   


I spare Robin a quick glance, let him see the gratitude I know I can't put into words, "I'm taking him home." Robin doesn't protest, just smiles at us and turns away. I know he'll be knocking on our door come morning; wanting to see with his own eyes that Niko's back to normal, but he's willing to give us tonight.

   
   


I pull Niko tight against my chest and step into the gate, holding my breath until I feel us walk out into our apartment. I let the last of the power go, and this time feel nothing but relief. I head for my room, and settle us both on the bed, not wanting to risk letting Niko go just yet. He's touching my face still, running his fingers over my lips; looking more soft and vulnerable than I ever remember him being.

   
   


He's still a little out of it, and it probably isn't fair of me to take advantage, but I'll never have a better opportunity to get a straight answer out of my stubborn brother. "That was your worse memory huh? Really don't you think that stabbing me was worse, or what happened with Sawney?"

   
   


Niko squeezes his eyes shut, and for a second I think he's not going to answer me. When he does speak, his voice is slow and stilted, like he's still not quite himself. "With Sawney, and the Darkling I knew…I had a plan…not a great plan, but I did have one. I always knew I could get you back, that there was something for me to fight. That first time…with your…when Sophia died…you were just…**gone**."

   
   


I can practically taste the pain of that last word, how much it hurt him both then and now. I can't take the pain away from him, so I just hold him tighter and wait for him to tell me the rest. "They…it…just took you, and I didn't know how, or where you'd gone. I had nothing to fight, no way to bring you back."

   
   


"But you waited, fuck Nik, you just sat there for two days waiting for me to come back. How long would you have stayed?"

   
   


"Until you got there…Cal, I'd have waited as long as it took. You were…are…everything. Nothing mattered if you didn't come back, without you I had nothing; was nothing." A part of me has always known that, known that he'd have sat there 'til his body starved rather than ever leave me behind, but actually hearing him say it out loud breaks something inside of me.

   
   


Niko's still pliant in my arms, curled up against my body and I never want to let him go. That time in our lives is still lost to me; I only have bits and pieces of memory to draw on. But I'm getting flashes now, remembering how Niko had held me like this, how he hadn't wanted to let go of me at all. Of the weeks that followed when he wouldn't let me out of his sight even for a minute.

   
   


I've always dreamed of those weeks, but when I wake I'm never sure which bits were real and which were simply products of my broken mind. I'd thought myself a monster for thinking of Niko that way, for dreaming about holding him down, and fucking into his beautiful body. Had pulled away from him at times, afraid I might not be able to hide the way I'd felt for him.

   
   


Now for the first time, I'm realising that some of those memories were true. That they happened in the weeks and months when I first came home, and that Niko's been protecting me from our past, the way I've been trying to protect him. We're both idiots, and I could scream when I think how much time we've wasted, just because we've been too damn scared to talk to each other. But there's nothing I can do about the past, except try not to make the same mistakes again.

   
   


Now that I know the memories are true, they start flooding back, not everything, but beautiful flashes that make me ache for what I've lost. I remember how we'd sleep curled up together, and how the touch of his hand would sooth my nightmares whenever I woke up screaming. I remember him crying, though I don't think he'll admit it, not even now when his defences are low. He'd let me see him then, let the love he has for me shine out, and I'd revelled in its heat.

   
   


There were nights when I'd needed more, when I'd kissed him, and pressed our bodies together, letting passion drive the demons from my mind. I'll never remember all of it; those memories are just too dangerous, caught up as they are with the time I spent with the Auphe. We hadn't needed anyone but each other, and he'd always made me feel safe, even when we were running for our lives.

   
   


We lost that somewhere along the way. Maybe when I started to come back to myself, and I'd chafed at the restrictions he imposed on our lives. He'd pulled back from me, stopped touching me, dropped all his masks back into place, and hidden himself and his love away. He'd tried to lose himself in Promise, tried to push me at George, wanted to give me the life I'd always wanted, with a nice girl and a happy ending.

   
   


But if the last few years have taught me anything, it's that a normal kind of life is not for me. The Auphe will never leave me alone, and even if I was safe, I'm not sure I'd be able to settle for that any more. Not when I know I could have this, have Niko, how could anyone else compare.

   
   
"Cal, are you alright?"

   
   


Typical Niko, gets his brain scrambled and winds up worrying more about me than himself, I know if I let him he'll be back to his usual self tomorrow. I could put him in his own bed, and we could go back to our lives like tonight never happened. "I'm fine, we're gonna be fine."

   
   


"Always are, just let me take care of everything. I'll be fine tomorrow."

   
   


"Not this time big brother, this time I'm going to take care of you, and for once in your damned life you're going to let me."

   
   


"Cal I don't need…" I can feel him trying to pull away, and there's no way I'm going to let that happen again.

   
   


"You're too damn weak from that spell to argue right now, so you'll just have to let me have my way."

   
   


"Kick your ass at training tomorrow." Niko's so tired that the words come out sounding more like a petulant toddler than my usual warrior brother.

   
   


"Well maybe not tomorrow, but I'm sure you'll be kicking my ass some time soon." I can see his eyes slipping closed as he loses the struggle to stay awake. But there's one last thing I want to do before he finally lets go.

   
   


I tilt his head towards mine, and press our lips together in a gentle kiss. He pulls back after a couple of seconds and looks at me with a shocked expression, "Cal?"

   
   


"Shush…just let go, let us have this. You can go back to worrying in the morning." This time when I kiss him, his lips open under mine, and I can feel his body trying to press closer. It's all I needed to know, and I lay back against the pillows before reaching over to turn out the night.

   
   


Niko will probably bitch me out in the morning for not keeping watch, but I don't care, tonight I'm going to sleep with him wrapped in my arms. And when he wakes up in the morning I'm going to make sure he doesn't ever run from me, from us, ever again.

   
   


I'll probably never have those memories again, never be able to recall the first time we truly kissed, or how it felt the first time we made love to each other. Those moments will always be lost, something else to blame on the Auphe, and my damned heritage. But now that I know how Niko really feels, it doesn't matter quite so much. The past is lost, but we have a future, time to make new memories, ones that'll last forever.

   
   


**Author's Note:**

> Prompt was - _Rob Thurman's Cal Leandros series - Okay, I love this series of books. I love Cal and Niko's relationship. I would love a story that's Niko's POV with some hurt/comfort thrown in, like Niko's point of view when cal was taken by darkling in the first book, or some random situation (as Cal is known for getting into trouble). I'm cool with just general brotherly love, but Cal/Niko wouldn't make me weep in pain either. I'm pretty cool on either front. Just no sad endings or death fic please. It's just not my thing._


End file.
